Girls always say bullshit about not ever feeling good enough. But the thing is, the ones that can really say it aloud are just begging for attention. The girls who have issues, and think they will never be good enough for the guy are here… In their minds, writing in their journals, thinking about it constantly. With each new person I meet I think, I need to be trendy, or skinny or fat or act like I don’t care, or act like I do care. It’s this cycle girls like me have created in their mind. We think that he would rather be with her because she has beautiful eyes, or she’s not awkward or she’s hilarious. But always in my mind, I will never be good enough. Will I?

How boring would it be to treated like a princess all the damn time? I want a guy who yells to make him a sandwich. Is that fucked up? Chivalry should only work sometimes. I want to be an equal, not on a damn pedestal.

These feelings stored so far beneath,

sit like a ticking bomb

but they’ve never exploded so,

when will they finally release 

Late at night they’ll escape

causing havoc in my head

But when will someone hear them,

hear them..

I’m sick of being pissed. I give up, why am I even trying to make something happen. The battle of destiny and you making your own fate has passed through my head for years now. We’ll never truly know. I want to determine my own path. I want to try hard, make something of myself, effect people. I don’t want to be stuck in this place forever. Do I need a shove? Or am I not destined to be successful? There are so many more things worth experimenting and I am stuck in a stand still. I have no confidence, does it show? I don’t understand how certain people are born with a sense of direction. I ask myself once a day what i’m doing and where i’m going. When will it end? When can I stop asking and just know i’ve made all the right choices. I know having a boyfriend may seem so trivial, but why is it impossible for me? I’ve been fucked up so badly that theres no way back? I keep thinking that one person will come along and want to change that about me and so far i’ve pushed away every person that has tried. So I throw myself into situations and relationships that I know I can’t get hurt in because I don’t mean anything to them. This isn’t how love stories are suppose to go. Maybe I was meant to run away to New York and start my life there. But do I have the courage to do so? I don’t think I believe in myself that much. I fuck up all the time, I sit around and watch pointless shit, I break my diet and get ice cream. At what point will I just stop and study or learn or try so hard. I want to put everything into my work. I want to be so consumed with my job that I need a day off. That motivation may be building inside me, but this summer..right now, it’s nowhere. I can feel it every once in awhile when i’m busy, but when will it consume me. I want it to so badly that I don’t have time to worry so everything else can fall into place. I want my fate and destiny and hard work and determination to combine. I want them to both work for each other to give me my life back. 

Or should I just let it be?